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4 Unintentionally Hilarious '90s Instructional Videos If you were lucid in the late '80s and early '90s, you know that most of our information was given to us by way of rap. It's how we learned everything from bike safety to the proper way of making love to police officers. However, there were many other teaching methods that were just as deranged. Let's look at four of them: 4. eXtremeness: Enter The Yo Zone X Treme Yo YoThe first time someone in the '90s thought to put on sunglasses and stand in front of graffiti, Satan laughed and said, "That's exactly how I'm going to greet that guy when his filthy black soul arrives." The trend that doomed individual invented was called eXtreme, and it became the driving force behind every marketing campaign of the decade. Extremeness opened our eyes to radical new truths like how every Mountain Dew drinker is a spazzy piece of shit with nothing to live for. It turbo charged the eXcitement of products we already loved and gave us a Dorito flavor that a human colon could actually pass. The Yo Zone is exactly what it looks like: a desperate grab at "cool" by people who spent their social development years practicing yo yo tricks. It's more of a campaign to convince the viewer that yo yos are rad than it is an instructional video, and it fails at both. If your doctor wrote a note to your PE teacher that excused you from climbing the rope until your groin rash cleared up, it would be less socially awkward than this video. I don't approve of what bullies do, but after watching The Yo Zone, I understand why they do it. The stars of the video are Kate, YO HANS and Julius. I know this because they start every segment with a brand new introduction. I have no goddamn idea why because if it was possible to forget the name YO HANS, World ProYo Master, I would. Maybe the producers were worried that the brain would start randomly deleting memories when exposed to an asshole in mom jeans and goggles doing eXtreme yo yo. Or maybe this is an example of the first thing they teach in yo yo performing school constantly use your first name in order to humanize yourself because people are about to want to kill you. "Hi, I'm Julius! I'm about to show you how to do a trick called Scrape The Uterus! But before I start, I'm Julius! I have a mother who loves me, you haven't established an alibi and several witnesses saw us leave together!" Since I was 12, most of the products I've owned and eaten have been eXtreme, and I'm still not sure I get it. If I had to guess, I'd say that being eXtreme means you're a pussy but hiding it behind enthusiasm. My point is, it's a difficult emotion to express on your face especially when you're concentrating on yo yo tricks that took long, sexless years to perfect. The faces Kate, YO HANS and Julius make while they are performing are like nothing a human head has ever known. They're not silly, smug, happy . they are simply violent expressions of nothing. These people make faces your fists have been waiting their whole life to smash into. Besides making stupid faces, another drawback to teaching with eXtremeness is that you have to devote so much time to blowing your student's mind. Oh, did you have preconceived notions about the yo yo? Well, then explain why this one is right up in your fucking face! For 30 straight minutes! To Canada's hottest unsigned synth bands! By the time The Yo Zone has wiped out everything you thought you knew about yo yos, they barely have time to teach you any tricks. If my parents had these yo yos they would have been too busy asking my grandparents what sex felt like to ever break a condom together. Ugh. Even thinking about my parents playing with yo yos is starting to fade me from existence. 3. R Wendy's Training VideosIn 1989, Wendy's produced a training video called Grill Skill that set the standard for all future education. In it, a Wendy's trainee gets sucked into his break room's television and taught to grill cheeseburgers by a rapping Duke of the Grill and singing meat patties. It's almost terrifying how awesome it is, and if you can win the battle for your own sanity, you will come out the other side of it knowing how to properly smash and salt a Wendy's burger. Unfortunately, the rest of Wendy's training videos left behind the inspired insanity of Grill Skill and replaced it with a more pedestrian kind of strangeness. First was "Cold Drinks," something Paula Abdul would sing to you if you couldn't figure out how to get Sprite into a cup and she was a sarcastic bitch. Any theologist will tell you that if you need a 120 second song to learn how to distinguish between large and small cups, that's God's way of telling you not to handle food. Taco Bell's training video is less insulting than this, and it's a 10 minute rap about how to dig dog food out of a can without letting customers see you. "Hot Drinks" is a lot better. This is exactly the song Billy Ocean would write if he knew the complicated procedure of mixing powdered Sanka with hot water. So now you know how to grill burgers, pour a soda and put a lid on hot chocolate. You're ready to start your horrible job, right? Not quite. Do you know how to hand someone a cookie? Bullshit. You only think you do. When I see that Wendy's included four lines of a song to something as simple as moving an individually wrapped cookie, it bothers me that not a single word is spent telling employees to resist the urge to put their balls in my food.

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5 Terrifying Things Movies Don't Tell You About Los Angeles I've recently been relocated to Los Angeles, and I thought that I was ready for it. than I have Two Heads Share the Same Body Odd Couple Comedies (and I fucking love 2HSSBOCCs! Thing With Two Heads, represent). That's not arrogance unique to Los Angeles: Every city has their special little traits that we associate with them. I know that in New York I'll get bitchin' pizzas and fat cabbies spitting into my mouth; I know that in New Orleans I'll get jazz funerals and see some drugged titties; and I know that in Baltimore I'll get raped by a longshoreman. And I am, but I wasn't at all prepared for . Combine rabid capitalism, a booming industry that doesn't just breed, but actually requires superficiality, and the kind of criminal apathy usually only seen in science fiction dystopias, and you get something like the advertising in Los Angeles. I'm not talking about the staggering size, number and complexity of billboards (though that does start to feel a bit like the sunglasses scene in They Live); it's the actual subjects of the advertisements themselves that are so unsettling. I was signed up for Groupon up in Portland, where I moved from, and I would routinely get coupons for shit I could use, like 2 for 1 go kart racing or discounted midnight admission to the grilled cheese and whiskey buffet. I actually clicked on them at first, thinking they'd finally added a supervillainy box to the "check your interests" section. Army, every bus down here is covered in ads for the hottest new plastic surgery procedure. Major operations have product launches and advertising campaigns, like slicing your own face open is somehow on par with the new Call of Duty game or the return of the McRib. You'll see ads for Lap Band surgery slapped up right next to Subway billboards, and advertisers don't spend money on this shit because it's not working. That means there's a market for it there's an entire demographic of consumers in this town who are willing to buy surgical operations on impulse. There's a guy sitting next to you on the highway, and he's looking at that same billboard for eyelid reversals that you're staring at in abject horror. But while you're thinking, "Truly, these are the end times spoken of in Revelations," all he's thinking is, "Fuck yes, I'll take a Turkey Chipotle Blast foot long and stomach clamp combo." Everybody in this town thinks that they're destined to be a star. That's the one true thing everyone already knows about LA: People only live here because they're in the midst of pursuing that beautiful, hopeful, occasionally sad and misguided dream of super stardom. But hey, if you want to chase that Golden Ticket, strong jawed extroverts, you go for it: That's nobody's business but yours and the food service industry's, five years from now. That's not just annoying, it's potentially disastrous: See, A List celebrities are able to walk around all aloof and pampered like that because they have the money to hire an entourage that takes care of all the shit every human being has to do, but doesn't want to. People like Scarlett Johansson have dudes named T Bro that pick up after their dogs, or throw things away in trash cans, or wipe down their toilet for them. And that's fine. Nobody's begrudging them that. We can all spend our money on whatever we want. It only becomes a problem when you start living that lifestyle and you don't actually have the entourage of mercenary garbage men and professional poop handlers, because you work at a fucking Jamba Juice. No matter how grand and culturally impactful your inevitable rise to stardom will be, you probably won't ever be able to hire a team of time traveling yes men to form your chrono skipping retroactive entourage. So I'm truly sorry, but until your sex tape hits big, you're just going to have handle Chihuahua shit on occasion; it is science that's failing you here. Everybody on film has nice teeth, and that seem like one of the more benign pre requisites of a film career. Actors have to look their best at all times, because that's what we, the audiences, demand of them. We don't question why the crack addicted hobo in Action Aryan 2: Jawline of Justice has a perfect set of shining white choppers. He's an actor, and it's Hollywood. But while you expect to encounter a celebrity or two with 10,000 dollar teeth out here, you forget that every aspiring actor has to share that same priority if they ever expect to make it. Perfect teeth are cosmetically attractive and physically healthy, sure, but that takes absolutely none of the terror out of the situation when you walk into a bar and everybody turns to smile at you with the same mouth. The first time that happens, you're forced to conclude one of three things: Either the hallucinogens have finally turned on you, you've inadvertently opened the door to the Employee Replacement Room at Disneyland, or you've just walked into the spring cotillion for The Thousand Avatars of The Undying God. The scars, imperfections, chips, breaks and asymmetry in our faces help to cement our visual identity. It might seem like a minor detail now, but giving a presentation to a roomful of people with perfectly identical cubes of gleaming enamel all up in their grills is like having dinner with identical quintuplets. You know, objectively, that it's not their fault you're so creeped out, but that doesn't mean they're not planning on eating you.

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6 Secret Monopolies You Didn't Know Run the World Remember back when you watched The Matrix for the first time and ran down to the store to buy sunglasses and a trench coat? There were so many sunglass brands to choose from: Oakley, Ray Ban, Revo, Vogue, DKNY, and if you must have only the best, $500 designer glasses from Prada and BVLGARI (which has that V instead of a U thing, so you know it's classy like ancient Rome). Which was famous for its sunglasses. The thing is, all of those are made by one manufacturer Luxottica. Starting off as a tiny Italian glasses company, Luxottica caught the 1980s fever (see Wall Street) and started buying every glasses related company it could get its hands on, as well as talking pretty much every fashion designer into letting them make their sunglasses line. Well, at least you get to pick between stores, right? If the people at the LensCrafters are being dicks while selling you different glasses all made by Luxottica, you can show them what you think of that by taking your business across the mall to the Pearle Vision. Or maybe the Sears or Target optical departments. Except that they are also all owned by Luxottica. Just for the sake of argument let's say that you're not a squinty eyed nerd, so you pass by the prescription shops and go right to the Sunglass Hut. You guessed it. Luxottica. That has got to be really heavy. This is of course why they can charge you $200 for a piece of plastic with two hinges because most of the "competition" isn't actually competing with them. They are them. It also means that if anyone came up with a mind control chip you could put into glasses, they could have the whole world enslaved within months. Keep Earth free! Get your glasses from Costco! If you are a cat or dog, you will remember the infamous pet food recall of 2007, where thousands of your kind died due to melamine contamination. For a time it seemed like no brand was safe. Word spread through the cat community to turn up their noses at food even more than usual. How could so many brands (about 150) happen to get contaminated at the same time? Well, because most of them were made by the same company. If you buy wet pet food labeled Eukanuba, Iams, Nutro, Hy Vee, Triumph or Priority, it all comes from the same factory. One Canadian company, Menu Foods, makes all those brands. They just slap different labels on it because they know that we as a breed like the illusion of choice. When they're tapped out of weird syllable combinations to slap on the outside of the food, they presumably send the rest off to be turned into fast food and school lunch. Look at that and tell me I'm exaggerating. Even worse, Menu Foods and other companies, like Purina, all get one particular pet food ingredient (wheat gluten) from the same place a tiny Nevada company called Chemnutra or as they're known to neighbors, some white guy and his Chinese wife. This couple shipped in 800 tons of suspiciously cheap wheat gluten from China and doled it out to every big pet food maker you've ever heard of. They didn't bother to check whether it was poisonous or not, figuring they'd find out sooner or later when, you know, someone's cat ate it and died. Or a few hundred cats. So that's how one sloppily run mom and pop importer managed to put poisoned pet food into every supermarket in America. But don't worry, at least Menu Foods isn't around anymore. They were bought out by Simmons Pet Food, another huge behind the scenes pet food maker, a couple months ago, creating an even bigger company making food for an even larger portion of the pet food section at your local grocery store. That means more product passing through the same factory, and less competition, which means less of a reason for them to care if one of the ingredients that gets used in all of their products happens to be made out of poison. And ChemNutra? They paid a $35K fine, saw no jail time and changed their name to EOS Direct which continues to import nutritional ingredients, including stuff that gets put in energy drinks. If Red Bull starts to literally give you wings, you'll know who to blame. Whoever controls the corn controls . maybe not the universe, but a lot of money. And the king of American corn is Monsanto, a biotech company. Unlike evil movie biotech companies with their dubious business models of inventing mutants or viruses that kill everyone Monsanto built their empire on a pretty boring one two punch: weed killer and seeds. Bit higher profit margin than clones. The weed killer, Roundup, is the biggest selling herbicide in the world. The seeds are genetically engineered corn seeds that are immune to Roundup. If you want to grow corn and kill weeds that hurt the corn, Monsanto has the best product on the market by a mile. goes into the ground with Monsanto's trademark on it. Yes, we live in a world where people release Corn 2. But plants will be plants, and make more seeds, so the farmers don't have to keep buying Monsanto seeds year after year, right? Don't be silly. Monsanto's not going to let their money run away like that. Their first plan was to incorporate something called a "Terminator" (otherwise known as the "let's just stop pretending we're not evil") gene that automatically sterilizes the plant so it can't make any more seeds. Then farmers have to buy new seeds every time they plant, just like nature intended. People objected to this quite a bit for some reason, forcing Monsanto to back down and instead just make farmers sign a contract saying that they won't use the seeds the plants make . or else. So instead of screwing farmers with a terminator gene, they're just asking the farmers to agree to screw themselves. So the next time you're deciding between a Coke or a Pepsi (or between a Firestone or a Goodyear), know that whichever way you go, you're buying Monsanto. You're welcome!

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